How can I love someone else if I can't love myself?

Why doesn't he listen to me? Why doesn't he know me?
I've been with him for almost three years and I feel like we know each other less every single day. I'm tired. I'm tired of him. He doesn't know me and I am honestly not sure if he ever will.

Don't you know, you will never know fucking know me unless I let you. And for some reason, I can't let you. I don't want to let you. I want to be alone. I don't want anyone.

You aren't the problem. Maybe you are. I don't know. If I actually talk, you BETTER FUCKING LISTEN because talking is not something I do often. I don't give a shit about what color you are painting your Vespa. I don't give a shit about your martial arts. I don't give a shit about your job. I care about you, I do. Sometimes I just wish you would listen to ME though. I'm too tired to listen to you talk about god knows what. I. Am. Tired.

I avoid hanging out with you now. We are different people than we were. We are changing. We want different things. I want Finland. What do you want? I will get what I want. You will sit and let life happen to you. I can't sit here and do nothing for the rest of my life.

I want out of this town. I want out of this body. I want out of this mind. I want out of me. I want out of you. I wish I had no one. It's easier than pretending you are my "someone" and that you care that I starve myself. You honestly don't even notice. You never have. People who I just met can learn more about me than you have in an entire year.

I don't trust anyone. And I certainly don't trust you.


"How can I love someone else if I can't love myself? I'm just sharing the abuse."
-Bracket.

Victoria's Secret Model

I need this right now. I need to starve.
I ate a whole Ben & Jerrys pint today by myself. I must weigh as much as the sun.

Paska.


Anyways, I've been looking for a job. Victoria's Secret said they might hire me, and I GODDAMN HOPE THEY DO. What is a more thinspiring job than Victoria's Secret? Honestly, I can't think of anything really.

When I was in like 7th grade, all I wanted was to be a Victoria's Secret model when I grew up (LOL!!!!!!!!)
Seriously. I can't think of anything I have failed at more than that hahahahahha. What a fucking joke.


#1 - I have NEVER had boobs my entire life, and that is kind of a requirement for such a job.
#2 - I've NEVER been tall enough to be a VS model.
#3 - Oh, and I am a fucking cow.




In other news. Wait. I don't have any other news.


Does anyone know where Shrinking Kitty disappeared to? She is my favorite. Seriously.


-Oiseau

Fall 2011, please hurry.

I really want to get into the habit of writing on here again.

To start us off (again) I have no idea what I weigh. I hate to check.
My diet over the past few days has consisted of mcdonalds french
fries. Lovely, eh?
I'm paranoid to get on the scale right now, so I'm not going to. Maybe
I will if I'm feeling brave in the next few days.

My brother is out of prison and in rehab. I'm the only person in my
family who cares enough to find this information out, mind you.
My sister is growing up.
My dad is acting more like my mom.
And my mom is a crazy bitch.

What's new, really?

In more important news, I'm moving in fall 2011. For school. To
Finland!!!!!!!

Oh I seriously can't wait. How am I going to survive for another year
to make it to Suomi? I don't know if I can do it.

All I know, is I need to get myself into gear in every possible way.
Also, my face picking is out of fucking control....
Help :(

Love you guys! Hopefully I will be on more often now.
-Oiseau