I have a new blog.

http://je-suis-un-petit-oiseau.blogspot.com

I am only going to use that one from now on. I just updated with a new post about the fatass who sat in my lap. Check it out :)
If you want to know why I got a new one, read my previous post.
Love and miss you all!
I hope your thanksgiving wasn't too horrible. I got through okay.

This is my official first post ever I would say.

This is the first post that has ever come from a REAL WORKING COMPUTER.

All of the rest of my posts have always been off of my iPod, which is why I usually despise commenting people on here (though I do love reading all of your blogs).

Working from my iPod is painfully slow but since I am now on a computer, I would like to celebrate by posting my absolute favorite thinspo picture.



Honestly, I think it's because my backbones stick out just like that. I would kill for that shirt. I suppose I could make it but fuck it. I'm lazy. If anyone knows what it is or where I can get one like it, PLEASE TELL.


Anyways, the real main point of today's post is for this reason.
http://je-suis-un-petit-oiseau.blogspot.com/
This is my new blog. I am officially abandoning this one for a few reasons.
Biggest reason, I was stupid and have used my real name (Karissa) on here more than a few times and as we all know, we do not like to be known by the outside world.

My name is now Oiseau (which means bird in French). If you call me Karissa on my new blog, I will jump through the computer screen and kick your asses! Hah.



A few updates on my life as of late:

Three appointments ago, I told my psychologist about my eating issues.
That day, he said that is the last thing he would've guessed because I don't "look anorexic".
Thanks a lot doc. You'd think he would know that is the last thing we want to hear, eh?
Anyways, the point is, I think he forgot about it because he has never mentioned it again. Yet he does remember how much I hate my English teacher, which is far less important. I'm not bringing it up again unless he remembers.


I don't know how much I weigh at this point in time, but I am going to go check after this post.


I am looking for Finnish people on Blogger, preferably ones within our little community who could only understand our screwed up thinking. I am learning Finnish right now and may move to Finland eventually so if anyone knows of any Finnish ana bloggers out there, please let me know. Kiitos :)

I thought of a bunch more things I wanted to say earlier, but now I have forgotten.


Anyways, this is probably going to be my last post on THIS blog, but I will be back bigger (read: smaller) and better than ever on the new one, where my name is officially Oiseau, loves!


I will see you there :)

I called a ED helpline today......

They didn't answer twice. Then when they finally answered, I didn't even know what to say so I hung up without saying anything at all. Not even hello.

:(
I've been trying to get up the courage to call and I finally did and I didn't even say anything.

Fuck.

What are you supposed to say? I haven't eaten for two days? I just don't know....

The shaky feeling we call "success"

Today is a new day and I am feeling newly determined. Who's with me?! :)

I am already feeling that shaky feeling that tells us we are doing something right...and it is only 7am.

School awaits! I'll post and comment everyone later :)

"XS is for girls who don't eat..."

I went to the Halloween store today. I have worked there for the last two years so I know everyone there. They were all excited to see me and it made me happy to see that people missed me.
Andthenandthenandthen the anxiety kicked in. I started acting weird and awkward. They must have noticed it because I was so happy when I first got there and then I did a total flip :/ I can't help it!

But that isn't the point.

The point is, a girl who worked there (I know her, don't worry) picked me this short ass pirate wench outfit for me to try on because she was bored. I told her no no no no. I don't want my fucking thunder thighs to show (I didn't say that). I finally agreed just so she would stop asking. She came in to help me and she was like "here let me zip it for you"

It wouldn't zip.

She's like "okay it looks really cute but this extra small is for girls who don't eat!"

I wanted to die.

I really almost cried.

I fail even when I don't eat. I'm not skinny enough.

I mean she meant it as a compliment but really.....I know you guys are the only people who could possibly understand. Fuuuccckk.

Not sleeping makes you fat.

So in my Psych class we are learning about sleep and what can happen in cases of sleep deprivation. My teacher said not getting enough sleep causes weight gain, so obviously I am planning on sleeping a lotttt now. I found myself using this as an excuse for my fatass :/ so I'll sleep AND fast.
It's fucking hard to sleep though when you are starving yourself! I'm trying it anyways.

Thought you guys might be interested :)
Off to bed I go! (it's 6:11 pm here)

I want a belly band!!

I feel bad.
This guy came into my work tonight and I rang him up. He was not exactly my type but he was cute. So anyways, he asked me "Would you be willing to go on a date with me?" I wasn't really listening so I laughed and said "Wait, what?" Then he got all shy-ish and said "I was just asking....." At this point i finally realized what he had said and started to feel really bad. It seemed like I just laughed in his face. But then I said "Im sorry! I have a boyfriend." Which I do! I've had the same one for 2+ years! I don't think he believed me because he looked even sadder and left.

Ughhh. I always laugh when I shouldn't laugh. It was a total accident too :/ and he wasn't even asking in a creepy way (if he was I wouldn't have cared if I laughed). He asked very kindly and respectfully. Fuuuck. I don't know why I feel so bad. Probably because of the whole respectful thing he did. Blah.

Going out of town tomorrow for a concerrrrt!! :D this is a big time band that I have LOVED for years. My all time fvorite band. Not naming the name though because it would give me away so easily. I can't wait though. Omg.

Whenever I buy/eat food in public, I feel so freaking embarrassed. Especially if I'm binging and I buy EVERYTHING in the store. I almost feel compelled to say "This is for my sister" or something so they don't think Im a fucking fatass. Or like places that I go to a lot. I get SO embarrassed if I see a worker that I've seen before. Ugh. I hate food.

I wonder if they would put that belly band thing to make you eat less on people who weigh less than 110 pounds. I would totally get it, no matter the cost or the dangers. In fact, I'll take liposuction while they're at it! Suck the fat out of my body.

In other news, I am giving a speeh about necrophilia in a few weeks! Yay!

I can never make up my mind.

School is kicking my ass. This is my first semester in college and I already want it to be over. What, have I been in school like 4 weeks now? Only...
Whenever I am going to school, I am sooo stressed out. I pick at my face and I look disgusting. Does anyone else have that problem? Ugh. I can't stop doing it either. I don't know why.

My boyfriend found some of my thinspo. He asked why I had all those pictures. I just told him that I liked either the picture, outfit, hair, makeup, etc in the pics. He didn't ask any more questions so I'm not sure if he believed me or not but whatever. I'm probably just more paranoid than I should be.

It's weird though. I go through these phases where I WANT someone to find out. Maybe it's my subconscious reaching out for help? Maybe I want to live dangerously? Maybe I just want people to feel bad for me? I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like I just don't give a fuck anymore and I should just tell everybody.

I don't get it.

AND THEN I will go into the mode where I don't give a shit about trying to get skinny anymore. I'll eat everrrrythinggg and hardly even feel guilty.

Then later in the same day I see my fatass in the mirror and hate myself.

I do hate myself.
I wish I were someone else quite often. Why do I have to be me? Why do I have all this shit in my life? Why do I always feel the need to have a pity party with myself? Just another reason why I hate me I guess. It comes full circle.

It feels so good to be able to say exactly what I feel and not be worried about people judging me or telling someone else. It honestly makes me feel better. Even if no one were to read it, I feel like I am getting it off my chest. Releasing it. And then for a bit I feel better.

I wonder if I should tell my psychologist about my eating (or lack there of) habits. I don't want the fucker to tell my mom though. I am 18 but I don't really trust those "rules".

Ughh I just want to tell SOMEONE. Fuck.

Don't break my palpitating heart!

I weigh 115.4 today. You heard right.
A hundred and fucking fifteen point four.
The only thing I can do at a time like this is quote White Chicks...
"SOMEBODY THROUGH SHAMU BACK INTO THE OCEAN!!! WOOO!!"

Lmao. Okay that made me a bit happier. But god dammit I seriously feel like a whale. The last time I weighed this much was 2 years ago.

The good news is I have started college (my 3rd day tomorrow) and no one is around me all day. AKA I can get away with not eating! Let's see how my palpitating heart likes that!!

I need serious help. I mean I've looked it up on the Internet but it's all the "healthy" ways and stuff which I don't neccesarily care about obviously. I just need a sure way to make my god awful thighs skinnier!!!!! Do you guys know any tricks? Please fill me in. Obviously I need to just not eat and then ill be fine :p but what are some other things? Please let me know guys.

Bigger than 3? Just kill me.

If I ever have to buy anything bigger than a size 3, I will fucking hang myself with those jeans right then and there!!!

I seriously think I might be getting there. I need to start working harder. My life depends on it.

I remember just a few short months ago when ALL of my size 0s still fit. Not all of them do anymore :/

I will get back to where I was (104lbs) and LOWER this time!!!!!

Restart

I've been gone, a long long time. That isn't to say I haven't still been reading. My iPod prevents me from posting comments on you guys for some reason.

I have been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The only good to come of this is I hear these antidepressants my friend uses makes him less hungry. Which we all know is a good thing.

I've been riding my bike so at least I am getting SOME excersize.

I am ignoring all of my modeling opportunities because I feel too insecure with myself now. One guy I am ignoring is actually pretty big on an unnamed website. I just can't do it right now though.

School is starting and I am still not as skinny as I wanted to be.

I am restarting this ana train starting today. Wish me luck. Miss you guys and I'll comment as soon as this iPod let's me...

:)

How have you guys been???

I have not posted in forrrrever!
First, savory thank you for emailing me a while back. It really made me feel better. I'll probably be emailing you more in the future :p

What is new in my life?

My hair is falling out!
And I don't say that with an excited exclamation point. I say it as WTF!!

If I want to model, I must get skinny. But if I get skinny, I must lose my hair? But if I want to model I need good hair!!

I did that photoshoot. I probably already said that weeks ago? It was fun. I didn't eat all day before it (thank god) and I still felt like such a fatass. I have some of the pictures. If someone actually wanted to see them for w/e reason leave your email address. If I think you are suspicious though I'm not gunna send them haha.

I have two more photoshoots coming up in the near future. One with someone actually pretty good so I MUST be skinny for that one...

I graduated high school and I think I am learning what the "freshman fifteen" or whatever it is called means. I have gained like five fucking pounds. Someone please slit my throat. That is part of the reason why I have been avoiding this place. I feel like such a failure. And I feel disgusted with myself. All I'm saying is I definitely weigh over 110 :'(

I do not know when I will post again. Depends on how much I feel that I am failing I guess. Other life stuff too that is hard to deal with.

I miss you guys!

Question?

I have a question that no one but you guys can answer.

You know how if you tell your therapist you are going to kill yourself they can tell authorities and parents about it?
If you tell them about your food issues can they also like tell your parents and stuff because it is self-destructive?

I did that photoshoot by the way.

Dr. Phil

My mom recorded an eating disorder special on Dr. Phil.....
Woohoo!

:(

No time, sorry!

Day 7

I haven't posted in a few days, but I've been keeping track of my challenge stats.

Day 3 (???.?):
No chance to weigh myself.

-10 over max intake
+5 water

Day Total: -5 ( sorry guys D: )
Week Total: 32

Day 4 (108.8):
Less than where I started (barely lol, embarrassing) but there is NO way I'm making my goal weight in time.

+10 under max intake
+4 water

Day Total: 14
Week Total: 46! :)

Day 5 (???.?):

+10 under max intake
+5 water

Day Total: 15
Week Total: 61

Day 6 (???.?):
My birthday! Do you see where this is going.....?

+10 under max intake
-5 binge
+4 water
+4 exercise

Day Total: 13
Week Total: 74

Day 7 (108.6):

+10 under max intake
-5 binge
+6 water
+2 weigh in on time
-3 not at goal weight

Day Total: 10
Week Total: 84

Final Total: 84
Is that good or bad??

----------------------------------

I told my bf I am being forced by my doctor to eat trail mix all the time. He asked why. I told him the truth and said because I don't eat enough. I almost started crying but I held it in. I can't tell him. I won't let him worry. After I said it, he didn't say anything. Just silence. This was all after he asked if my pants were too tight. I don't know where he gets these lines that just make me feel like shit, but he does it with ease.

It was my 18th birthday yesterday.

I probably won't post again for a while.

Day 2

Day 2 (???.?):
I didn't weigh myself today.
Thank god.

+10 under max intake (I haven't eaten today)
+2 water

Day Total: 12
Week Total: 37

I am in no mood to write a long thing now. Basically, I went to the doctor for a "physical" and it ended up having my mom and doctor disscussing how I never eat. The word "anorexia" was never said but it was certainly implied. I feel so shitty now. I wanna curl up and sleep forever.

Lirimeansfree - Thank you, girl! (my iPod won't let me comment you back for some reason). You're too sweet! Plus thank you for the idea about fasting before the photoshoot! Who knows why I didn't think of that! But that's why I have you girls to keep me on my feet :)

Everytime I think about what happened at the doctor, I get an EXTREMELY strong urge to tell someone the truth (no one knows). Someone PLEASE knock some sense into me and tell me what a horrible idea that would be!! Wtf. I honestly might though. It is taking everything I've got right now to keep myself from picking up the phone and pouring my secrets out on someone. But I know I can't. I know I shouldn't. It seems like it would help the pain for a moment though...

Help me.

Day 1 - Weight Loss Challenge

How many of you guys are in that challenge?? It looks like it's going to be really cool and motivating!
Go Team Pink!! :)
I'm going to post my points on here but you guys can skip over them or whatever. I just need it so I can keep track.

Day 1 (109.1):

+10 bonus question
+10 under max intake
+1 exercise (I worked out for 45 min but I guess only 15 min counts?)
+4 water

(I don't understand the reaching your weekly goal weight part? Do you only do that at the end of the week? For now I'm skipping it.)

Day Total: 25 pts
Week Total: 25 pts

So, I have a photoshoot next week.
Obviously, I can't ever eat again now. I don't even know why I agreed to do it. Now I'm stressing out soo much. What if I look too fat? What if they want me in a freaking bikini or something?? I don't know what to do.
Not to mention, my social awkwardness is at a high point. This girl's gunna think I'm crazy!!

Honestly, if I'm not skinny by next week I'm going to have to tell her I can't do it. I'm not worthy of a photoshoot. I can't have anyone taking pictures of my fat ass. I'm a mess. I am getting acne again. My legs MUST have elephantitis. At least that's my excuse for their hugeness anyways. I can't go on like this. Something needs to change. Maybe this challenge will help me. Because I don't want to fail my team. I mean I don't WANT to fail myself but somehow I always seem to. If I do this for the team and for the photoshoot, maybe just maybe I can get skinny this time. I have to. I fucking have to. I'm tired of these legs, this stomache. I wear size 0 but I probably shouldn't. It is too big on my waist but my thighs feel like they are about to fucking burst out of my pants. Why??? It doesn't make sense! That isn't even my fucked up perception. It is straight truth. I'm disgusting. I'm an embarrassment. I need to change.

Jack = Perfection??

I haven't posted since the 20th!! Omg. It's been hard not having my iPod work since that is where I post from 99% of the time.

I don't even know where to start on what I've been up to. Nothing that exciting, I assure you. Pretty much the only exciting thing that happened was Grad Night (unless you live in CA you prob have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't feel like going into details). When you go to Grad Night, you stay awake 24 hrs at the least (usually more). The end of that story is I didn't eat all night (which was def hard because we were getting a lot of exercise and I was sleepy). I didn't even come close to eating. One thing that helped that out was the free food was non-vegetarian. Yay!
It is crazy to me how we celebrate our foodless days.

I'm watching The Nightmare Before Christmas right now (again, if you knew Grad Night you would know why). I am sickened with my own thoughts I am having while watching this. I honestly wish I was as skinny as Jack. I love the way he moves. Almost spiderlike but graceful and floaty. He's fast and tall and has stick legs. That's what I want. But if I think logically, that is when I become sickened with myself. Who in their right mind would envy freaking Jack Skellington????
Oh. That's right.
Me.
(and I'm sure some of you could agree with my envy)

Years ago I found extreme thinness repulsive. Now I aspire for a skeleton's body type.
Wtfffff is wrong with me!!!!!!

Oh, my friend tried to commit suicide yesterday so I'm not doing too hot.

I don't have time to help myself when I'm too busy helping others.

Phone posting again.
Im @ the gym right now. Its been a few months & im SO out of shape. I see this guy who used to like me. Even though ive never liked him, i feel embarrassed having him see me like this. I also see this girl who was in my French class 2 years ago. She left halfway through the year to go to rehab for her anorexia. Shes on the hardest machine (I am too). I wonder if shes slipping into her old ways...
You could def tell she was 2 years ago. Stringy hair, bones showing everywhere, super irritable about EVERYTHING, never joined in our eating parties, etc. Even then, before i had my little problem, i envyed her. Little did i know what being her entailed....As i was talking behing her back, i secretly wished i could look just like her..

Posting from my phone again because it is the only way i can so it has to be short.
I dont know how many of you guys are into fashion and/or art, but as my fellow skinnies you will love looking at the models at least!
Look up Fifi Lapin on google & click the first link. Its a blog that is told from the point of view from a very fashionable rabbit. It is SO cute! Basically, it is a bunch of hand drawn pictures of Fifi Lapin the rabbit in high fashion clothes and next to it is a real pic of a real model wearing the outfit. So adorable, fun to read, and thinspiring! I loooove looking at all the crazy runway outfits too. It just does no wrong. Srsly :)
Check it out and tell me what you think.

Longer post when my ipod stops being a piece of shit!

I figured out how I can update finally. Texting! Im hoping this doesnt reveal my number to the world :/

Stupid boyfriend moment #3:
I was on the phone with my bf a few nights ago. While on the phone, my dad asks me how much my dog weighs. I said "Hmm...maybe 9 or 10 pounds."
My bf says, "You've gained 9 or 10 pounds??"

W.T.F.

Thank you Lina and Savory for the comments! My iPod wont let me comment back so i have to answer here:
Lina-
He has never said these kinds of things to me before recently and we have been together for 2 years! Idk what has changed now :/ i must look even worse than i thought! Ugh.
Savory-
True about him being clueless to my ED. Thats one good way of looking at it! Im SO glad he is.

Another update soon!
prom is Saturday :) :(
....

Blogger doesn't work.

I am okay. My fucking email isn't letting me send anything....

Updates soon, hopefully.

Xoxo.

I'll show him...

My boyfriend has said two horrible things to me in the past two days.

Yesterday: "I love your stomach. It's so squishy!"

Today: "Daaaang! Your calves have gotten big!!"

WTF.

He wonders why I don't eat.

The first one was like supposed to be a good thing I think but of course it ISN'T to me. The second.....I have no idea what he was thinking. He doesn't know I am having anorexia-like problems but he DOES know I think my legs are fat because I had a breakdown about it in front of him before.

I'm sorry I haven't posted/even commented anyone in a while. I have no time or energy for it all right now. I do have enough to keep reading though so KEEP POSTING. :) it makes me feel a bit better to know I'm not alone in this.

If anyone quotes high school musical right now, I'll kick your ass lmao. I hate that fucking movie.

I've never felt like this..

At this point, I hate myself. I don't remember feeling this low and worthless ever before in my life. Every little thing I do is a huge struggle for me. Even writing this post feels like it is sucking the last of my energy right out of me. That's why I haven't posted in so long. The only dream I have ever had in my life is no longer happening. (I've always wanted to go away to college; I got in to the college I wanted to go to; we apparently don't have enough money). I am a fat piece of shit who has eaten A LOT allllll weekend. Plus, not even one thing I've eaten has been healthy. (at least the people at my work aren't on to me anymore).

I weighed myself earlier today wearing clothes/after eating and I was 111.4. Eww. Anything over 109 feels like the end of the world to me.

Tomorrow, I will eat healthy and get down to AT LEAST less than 109. I'm sure my fat ass can do that.
I keep raising my standards and that's not a good thing.

Sorry about not writing back to people's comments. I can hardly bring myself to write this post, let alone comment people back. I'm going to though, soon enough. I have been reading everyone's blogs everyday. I haven't forgotten about you! I just srsly am having some major depression-like things going on right now.

I'm still not skinny for prom..........it's in 2 weeks. Fml.

My little secret.

I haven't read anyone's blogs in days, so I'm catching up on that as we speak.

Quick update as to why I've been gone:

Friday night, I had to leave work early to go to the hospital ER. My heart felt like it would explode, I was super dizzy, and I felt like I was going to pass out. When I got to the ER, they hooked me up to an IV and the whole bit. I was there all night. They never told me what was wrong with me though. They couldn't figure it out....

I'm wondering if it had anything to do with my little secret..? But I OBVIOUSLY couldn't ask that question. So I'll ask you guys instead. Do you have heart issues similar to that? I know in the late stages of anorexia there are definitely heart problems but I am SO not at that point yet. Is it happening anyways?

My heart still hurts even as I'm writing this and I am getting dizzy. It's not from not eating. I just ate 20 min ago.

Help!

Stuck @ 109...

I've eaten 2 times in the last three days and I do not weigh even .1 of a pound less than I did three days ago!!

Wtf is up with that????
Srsly. My weight record looks like this:
4/20-109.0
4/21-109.0
4/22-109.0

The only time I've eaten was dinner on 4/20 and dinner on 4/21. That's it!!

Someone must have fucked up my scale or something. Is it even physically possible to weigh EXACTLY the same 3 days in a row??

I'm going crazy.

Oh and I had to have swimsuit pictures taken of me for this fashion show I might be in (if I'm not too short/too fat). One look at my thighs and I wanted to cry......I didn't realize how bad they were :'(

I.Feel.Like.Shit.

Fuck 4/20.

Why is it that some bugs only come around during part of the year (June bugs, mosquito eaters, etc.)? Where exactly do they go the rest of the year? I'm assuming they all die but then how do they come back?

Yes, these are the things that I think about at 3 am god dammit!!

I ate brownies today.
End of story.

P.S. Fuck you 4/20 and all you represent. Whatever asshole invented this day needs to die. I do not enjoy worrying about 99% of the people I know all on one day. I know a lot of you girls are into that shit so you prob don't agree....I really don't care. I'm sorry. I'm mean @ 3 am! I hope you guys are safe today though. That's all.

If this post was confusing to read, sorry.
It's 3 am.
I'm hungry.
I'm bloated.
I haven't eaten anything but brownies.
I'm pissed off that I have people to worry about.
I don't like life right now.
I can't remember what I like to do.
It's really hot.
Fucking mosquito eaters are buzzing around my room.
I don't like bugs.
This is making no sense.
I don't care anymore....

Bye.

"You must have anorexia nervosa?!"

Today in my psychology class we had a fake psych ward. We were all assigned different disorders & I was assigned the most boring one: gambling addiction. So basically, I ditched that idea and did whatever I want. I was throwing stuff at people and so they "sedated" me and took me to the quiet room. I was just acting like my normal self at this point because I was getting tired of the game. I am rolled in a chair into the "quiet room" and the "psychologist" (my teacher) looks at me and says, "You must have anorexia nervosa?!"

....

I don't feel "underweight"...

According to this online BMI calculator, I could weigh fucking 145 pounds and still be considered NORMAL. Ew, ew, ew!!

Does the BMI standards differ in other countries? Like what I'm saying is, America is fat. If I weighed 145 pounds I would be fat but considered "normal". In other countries is the standard for "normal" lower?
I'm just curious. I'm only 5'4" so that seems like a LOT of weight for my height. Maybe my brain is just screwed up into thinking that though. I really can't tell anymore.

Right now my BMI is technically "underweight" but I don't look like it and I certainlly don't feel like it.

Skinny for prom!!!!!

Skinny For Prom??!?

As of five minutes ago, I am 111.1 with nothing but undies on. Today is officially my last day of break/nasty eating. Srsly. Prom is in a little over a month and I WILL be 105 or less by then. That won't be too hard. It's only 6.1 pounds. It can and will be done!!! I'm code-naming this SFP (skinny for prom obv.). I'll write SFP on my hand so I remember not to eat. Tomorrow, I am depositing all of the $ in my wallet to the bank except for the dollar that I wrote SFP on as a reminder.

The hard part about this will be lunches with my friend and dates with my bf. I have to make excuses though. I can prob even tell my friend I'm trying to look good for prom and she'll understand.

I want to be 105 at the most. As in, if I weigh myself at the end of the day I will be 105. That might be an unrealistic goal for before prom but that is what I'm shooting for. I guess I'm setting my goals high but w/e. I know I can get to 105 at least, even if it's only in the mornings and that will be good enough for me.

Maybe by posting this I will be embarrassed if I don't make it so I'll try harder...hopefully.

Oh and my computer has a virus and doesn't work (I'm on my iPod). I'm officially fucked.

Someone fell in love with me today...

Srsly.

I was at work, minding my own business and this lady asks me if I have a boyfriend. I was like "Uhhhh yeah." like who are you? Haha. And she got really sad and was like "I have a VERY cute 22 yr old waiting in the car right now. He was in here earlier and saw you and forced us to come back. He was going to come in here to talk to you but as soon as we got here he got too nervous so he made me come in here to pretend to buy a soda so I could find out if you had a bf or not!!!" I was in shock and just kinda stared at her. I'm still in shock lol. She was so serious about it that I was just like dumbfounded. I mean, they drove ALL THE WAY HOME, waited a few hours, called to see what time we closed so they wouldn't miss me, and drove all the way back so he could talk to me. It was soooo sweet! I actually felt really bad/flattered/embarrassed/cyxgvkvwj!! It was crazy. She was like "can I just tell him you're married with twins so he isn't as sad?" She made it
sound like his heart would seriously split in two when she broke the news to him!

So okay, it's kinda lame that he didn't even come in but the person who I picture him to be would prob do the same thing........Seth Cohen AKA Adam Brody from The OC :p
I have had the hugest TV show character crush on him for years haha. It must've been him ;) who else could it have been!

My night's been SO weird! That's only part of it but I really don't think I can write any more. I'm exhausted from the excitement :p
Night.

P.S. I fucked up eating today really bad but right now I don't even care because I just feel all weird now :)
Of course until tomorrow when I step on the scale but for now IDC!!

:D

Cereal is evil!

So, I have "senior pictures" to take today. I'm supposed to be leaving @ 4:45 to go to some guy's house where he will take my picture but the weather is shit so all this getting ready is probably going to waste (I can't even go out because family is over for Easter...).

Okay, Easter is the lamest holiday ever. I honestly don't even know what we are celebrating. I know it's some god thing (god knows what lmao) but I don't even believe in that stuff. I've never even read the bible lol. What do bunnies have to do with god though? I just don't get it..

Anyways, I was trying not to eat today so I could look skinnier for my senior pictures. I decided to let myself eat ONE FrootLoop...that turned into like a bazillion and then a bazillion frosted mini wheats too! And a fake chicken patty. And once again I feel disgusting. I'm sure this picture experience (if it even happens) will be just grand, ugh.

P.S. My size 0 pants have been falling off all day and I STILL feel like a fatass...what's wrong with me??? I hate feeling this way!

110+ ughhh

I'm not sure how much I weigh but I am POSITIVE it is over 110 and it is killing me...
I took some laxitives @ like 3 and they still haven't done anything! Last time I took them, they didn't work either!! I'm like so blocked up laxitives don't even work (gross,I know). Any ideas why this is happening/how to fix it??
The plan for tomorrow is to not eat at all. My parents will be gone most of the day so it can't be too hard.

Anyways, an update on the work situation:
Another girl from my work kept talking about food/eating in front of me the last time I worked. I can't tell if I'm just paranoid now or if it was just casual conversation.
Second, that guy at my work STILL knows there is something up. I don't think the girl told him. I just think he knows me too well and is starting to catch on. Everytime I see him I have him asking me what is wrong with me like 456744682 times. I think it is nice that he cares rather than annoying. I just don't want him to get on the right track mostly because I don't want him to worry...he has enough to worry about.

I'm pretty sure he will figure it out sooner or later. I remember him telling me a long time ago that he had problems with anorexia a few years ago. Also recently he keeps telling me how much weight he has been losing (he's SUPER skinny already).

Confuuuuusing!

This is seriously confusing to me...

I have had food issues" on and off for years now. No one has ever diagnosed me with "anorexia", but I'm glad. I feel like I would have even MORE food issues if I was officially diagnosed. So I've been having problems for a few years but I am certainly new to the online community and new to sharing any of my feelings about this topic that is usually kept so quiet. I've noticed something really interesting and confusing in this community though. It seems a lot of people are caught up with who is a "real anorexic" or a "wannarexic" or whatever they call it. Aren't these things both problems? Whether someone is full on anorexic or someone is starving themselves for a while to lose weight, aren't they both an issue? I don't see why people are pointing fingers at "wannarexics" when it seems to me that they have a problem as well! Maybe I am not understanding the definition of a "wannarexic"...I'm really not sure. All I know is, if someone is starving
themselves to lose weight it is still a problem and they shouldn't be having angry fingers pointed at them...I also don't understand what gratification these "real anorexics" are getting from it. Who really cares is all I need to know lol.

I am 109.0 today. I'm planning on sleeping most of tomorrow so I can sleep through a few meals. I get my hair cut tomorrow, FINALLY.

I feel like I've been a good friend today. I helped everyone at my work with their issues. They didn't ask about mine of course, but it's okay. I'm a helper, not the person who gets help. Well actually, I'm the person who doesn't share their feelings and everyone gets annoyed with. That guy did actually ask me what was wrong with me again today...I don't know how he can tell! I actually asked how he knew something is wrong with me. I didn't tell him of course, but it makes me feel good that at least someone cares. So I lied; one person at my work asked how I was. I just didn't tell.

I never tell. I have SUCH a problem sharing my feelings. Even if it's about something small. I just can't do it. I force people to tell me their problems but I never never never share any of mine.

It. Gets. OLD.
For me and everyone around me.

Secret's Out!!!!!!

Two things:
1. I don't think my body can honestly handle fasts. The last time I ate was this morning and already I feel like total shit. Maybe I'm just weak. I dunno. I'm planning to AT LEAST keep this going for 24 hours though. I can do that.
2. Oh. My. God. I'm fucked. I'm paranoid. Today was the first day that someone has ever asked me if I am anorexic (besides times when people have said that when I was younger because I was simply so skinny)....I TOTALLY must have gave it away!!!! I just stared at her and sort of gave her a weird look but didn't even deny it!!! Wtf is wrong with me??? I am SUCH an idiot. Fuck! I mean, I'm not even sure that I am, but I have "food issues" at the least which is still a problem. Shit. Shit. Shit! Hopefully that's not the new talk of the workplace.
:/

Knowing the people at my work, they would decide it was their duty to give me some sort of intervention.

After she asked me and I said nothing, she said that was bad and I shouldn't do that. She ended up hardly talking to me the rest of the night.....

I'M SCREWED.

Did I mention that before she asked me that, this guy that I work with asked me what's been wrong with me lately? Are they teaming up on me? Am I paranoid? Am I seriously screwed now??

Ate too muchhh.

This weekend has been whack (haha, haven't used that one in a while). Friday, I just sat at home bc my friend had more important things (aka her bf) to do. Saturday, I hung out with my boyfriend for a bit and then work. I didn't even have any free samples!!! :D
Today, I hung out with my friend and ate like a pig. So much for my 24 hour fast I was on. I can't even go fucking 24 hours! That should be easy!

Today was fun I guess though. We looked at old yearbooks and laughed at our 8th grade selves.
Now I have a toooonn of homework to do and I am procrastinating big time. I'm reading blogs and stuff.

I wanted to talk to my parents about college this weekend but I've kind of ran out of time..... :/
I will plan my attack for this coming weekend :)

Nothing is new besides that. I'm 108 again which is better than 111 but SO much worse than 104. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. That's all there is to it.

Goodbyeee.

My brain fell out of my ear.

Under 110 again today! Phew!

I've had a much better day today. I'm not even talking about eating wise. I just mean, I felt happier today. It's weird. I must have crazy mood swings every day or something. One day in super down and the next I'm super up.

There's one thing I have noticed about myself is really starting to trip me out though...
Sometimes I will notice that I feel like I'm not even in my own body! It's almost like I am someone watching a movie of myself and I never know what I'm going to do next! Wtf! Am I a freak or is this semi-normal? It's like, I'm kind of just there and my brain is sitting on the table next to me, watching for what's next.

Now that I sound like a schizo, I'm outta here.

P.S. I don't do drugs so it's not because of that lol.

Today is one of those days...

This weekend was amazing. LOVED the college :D

This morning was horrible. I had to hold back tears when I stepped on the scale. Then, I proceeded to step on the scale 3 more times to make sure it was working right...it was.

I haven't been over 110 in ages! Shit!

No food tomorrow. Actually, no food until I am at least 109 again.

Oh and I feel like everyone/everything is working against me lately. And everything is awful.

I'm actually glad no one really reads this so no one will have to witness what a whiny bitch I'm being tonight.

I'm feeling sick too so there's an honest excuse not to eat. Even if I was planning on eating, I feel too sick anyways.

Hmph. Life...

Only good for one thing.

I am sick and tired of people taking advantage of me. Every single project I have done this year, I have been the only one to do all the work!! Today, I was finishing up a poster me & my 3 other group members had to make about a heart disease while they sat there and laughed and played games on the Internet. I heard them saying "I wonder if our project is done.." and another girl said "We have Karissa in our group. Of course it'll be done." Then they all kind of laughed and idk why. I can act like I'm not listening very well when really I hear every word. Then the teacher told them that they need to help me and they just talked about helping for like 5 seconds and went back to doing whatever the fuck it is they do. Ugh.

Eating wise, I was doing alright until a chocolate binge @ lunch which I hare myself for. It added to soooo many calories that I'm afraid to count them. I weigh 107 today. Not bad but not the less than 105 short term goal I'm looking for.
Oh well.

One good thing is I'm visiting the college I want to go to next year if somehow 20g's fall from the sky and into my hand. I gt accepted and everything but now it's just a money issue. I'm excited to visit it nonetheless.

Hopefully I will get off my lazy ass and hit the gym tonight....hopefully!

Today sucked...

Ugh!! Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat!

I have eaten waaaay too much today. I feel so sick. And I weigh 107 :(
I miss being less than 105. It felt amazing.

I have nothing else really to say otherwise. Nothing interesting has happened today besides me being a fatty.

I'm sorry. This was a worhless post.

Ugh! I honestly feel like I am going to throw up accidentally any second because I've eaten SO MUCH!!
Goodnight.

I honestly never knew...

I had one of my last year's teachers write me a letter of recommendation for a scholarship I'm doing. I knew she liked me, but when I got the letter she gave me it was so nice that it made me want to cry. I didn't know that she cared that much about me. I dont think even the people who SHOULD care that much about me could write something so nice. It made me happy/sad all in one to read it. Plus, she's really pushing me to try to get loans and stuff for the college I got accepted into but don't have enough money for. She wants me to go somewhere in my life. She wants me to do what I want to do. And so do I, I just don't know how to do them. It all is too stressful but I would LOVE to leave this town to go 6 hours away and to the beach! I miss surfing :/ I have a board here in my room that's not seen the waves for months.

Shit. I must find some way to make this work this weekend. I'm running out of time...

Only ate frosted mini wheats and a fake chicken patty today so far. I want to eat "less" right now, even if it isn't the healthiest in the world.

Back to school in like 30 minutes, so I better go get ready.

"You wanna be on top?"

So, I just learned that for the next season of ANTM they are only taking girls 5'7" and UNDER! Hot damn!! I might just try out for the experience of trying out at least. Of course I'd love to be actually on it but I highly doubt that would happen. But I can dream!

Today I ate much better than I have been. Only some frosted mini wheats, goldfish crackers, & a fake chicken patty (I'm vegetarian).
So not exactly "healthy", but at least I didn't eat that much.

I will actually weigh myself tomorrow morning if I can do so without drawing attention...

:)

Weekend's here!

Night.

"Hercules! Hercules!"

Ugh! I feel like one of those fat, ancient Greece ladies in the paintings right now lol :(
Those paintings always grossed me the fuck out haha.

I just took a shower. Work was good like having fun wise :p
Eating wise, I screwed up big time. HUGE slice of pizza+2637748 free samples+candy.

I don't think I can bear to weigh myself tomorrow so I might just skip it again. I don't have work the rest of this week so I'm safe there.

Test this weekend for like math placement in college. Maybe I should do bad so they make me take an easy math ;)

Going to bed now. Finally.

I feel so gross.

Soooo, I ended up eating A LOT of cookies at lunch :/ I was doing so good too! Oh, I guess no more eating tonight although it is going to be SUPER hard at work with free samples of ice cream staring at me all night... shit! One of my favorites:

Brave New World

"I'd rather be myself. Myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly."

I want to be myself as well. I want to be myself, even if that means being strange and different to everyone else.

I kind of feel like Bernard right now actually. I don't want to be like everyone else if that is the only way to be "happy". It's simply not worth it to me.

I had a fruit smoothie & a couple frosted mini wheats so far today. Never got to check my weight this morning. I'll try to tomorrow.

Work tonight, with every temptation imaginable...

D:
maybe that's why I hate it so much.

I want to be a bird.

I want to be a bird.
As long as I can remember, I have had the nickname/comparison of being a bird. Oh, how I wish I were one! I want to flap my arms and raise high into the air. I want to be light enough to land on a twig and hardly make it bend. I want my legs as skinny as a bird's are.

I am not a bird and will never be one. Recently though, it feels like my brain has been giving its best effort to force me into being one..

I haven't been diagnosed with anorexia and I don't believe I am all the way to that stage yet. But I don't know really. Who's to say.
All I am certain of is that I am eating less and less and becoming more food-obsessed with each passing day.

I am 5'5" and as of today, I weighed 108 pounds.
My lowest weight was 104 (about a month ago) and my heighest weight was 119 (about a year and a half ago).

I don't know how this happened...
I've been feeling like I don't fit in, even with the few people I consider to be my friends. I can't relate to anyone anymore. It feels like this is the only thing I can rely on to make me feel like I've accomplished anything.

I need....
I don't even know WHAT it is I need. I just always am feeling this intense need for.......something.

I don't know.

Figuring this out.

I've never had a blogger before so I'm just doing a test post. More to come for sure though!

Sent from my iPod