Jack = Perfection??

I haven't posted since the 20th!! Omg. It's been hard not having my iPod work since that is where I post from 99% of the time.

I don't even know where to start on what I've been up to. Nothing that exciting, I assure you. Pretty much the only exciting thing that happened was Grad Night (unless you live in CA you prob have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't feel like going into details). When you go to Grad Night, you stay awake 24 hrs at the least (usually more). The end of that story is I didn't eat all night (which was def hard because we were getting a lot of exercise and I was sleepy). I didn't even come close to eating. One thing that helped that out was the free food was non-vegetarian. Yay!
It is crazy to me how we celebrate our foodless days.

I'm watching The Nightmare Before Christmas right now (again, if you knew Grad Night you would know why). I am sickened with my own thoughts I am having while watching this. I honestly wish I was as skinny as Jack. I love the way he moves. Almost spiderlike but graceful and floaty. He's fast and tall and has stick legs. That's what I want. But if I think logically, that is when I become sickened with myself. Who in their right mind would envy freaking Jack Skellington????
Oh. That's right.
Me.
(and I'm sure some of you could agree with my envy)

Years ago I found extreme thinness repulsive. Now I aspire for a skeleton's body type.
Wtfffff is wrong with me!!!!!!

Oh, my friend tried to commit suicide yesterday so I'm not doing too hot.

I don't have time to help myself when I'm too busy helping others.

Phone posting again.
Im @ the gym right now. Its been a few months & im SO out of shape. I see this guy who used to like me. Even though ive never liked him, i feel embarrassed having him see me like this. I also see this girl who was in my French class 2 years ago. She left halfway through the year to go to rehab for her anorexia. Shes on the hardest machine (I am too). I wonder if shes slipping into her old ways...
You could def tell she was 2 years ago. Stringy hair, bones showing everywhere, super irritable about EVERYTHING, never joined in our eating parties, etc. Even then, before i had my little problem, i envyed her. Little did i know what being her entailed....As i was talking behing her back, i secretly wished i could look just like her..

Posting from my phone again because it is the only way i can so it has to be short.
I dont know how many of you guys are into fashion and/or art, but as my fellow skinnies you will love looking at the models at least!
Look up Fifi Lapin on google & click the first link. Its a blog that is told from the point of view from a very fashionable rabbit. It is SO cute! Basically, it is a bunch of hand drawn pictures of Fifi Lapin the rabbit in high fashion clothes and next to it is a real pic of a real model wearing the outfit. So adorable, fun to read, and thinspiring! I loooove looking at all the crazy runway outfits too. It just does no wrong. Srsly :)
Check it out and tell me what you think.

Longer post when my ipod stops being a piece of shit!

I figured out how I can update finally. Texting! Im hoping this doesnt reveal my number to the world :/

Stupid boyfriend moment #3:
I was on the phone with my bf a few nights ago. While on the phone, my dad asks me how much my dog weighs. I said "Hmm...maybe 9 or 10 pounds."
My bf says, "You've gained 9 or 10 pounds??"

W.T.F.

Thank you Lina and Savory for the comments! My iPod wont let me comment back so i have to answer here:
Lina-
He has never said these kinds of things to me before recently and we have been together for 2 years! Idk what has changed now :/ i must look even worse than i thought! Ugh.
Savory-
True about him being clueless to my ED. Thats one good way of looking at it! Im SO glad he is.

Another update soon!
prom is Saturday :) :(
....

Blogger doesn't work.

I am okay. My fucking email isn't letting me send anything....

Updates soon, hopefully.

Xoxo.

I'll show him...

My boyfriend has said two horrible things to me in the past two days.

Yesterday: "I love your stomach. It's so squishy!"

Today: "Daaaang! Your calves have gotten big!!"

WTF.

He wonders why I don't eat.

The first one was like supposed to be a good thing I think but of course it ISN'T to me. The second.....I have no idea what he was thinking. He doesn't know I am having anorexia-like problems but he DOES know I think my legs are fat because I had a breakdown about it in front of him before.

I'm sorry I haven't posted/even commented anyone in a while. I have no time or energy for it all right now. I do have enough to keep reading though so KEEP POSTING. :) it makes me feel a bit better to know I'm not alone in this.

If anyone quotes high school musical right now, I'll kick your ass lmao. I hate that fucking movie.

I've never felt like this..

At this point, I hate myself. I don't remember feeling this low and worthless ever before in my life. Every little thing I do is a huge struggle for me. Even writing this post feels like it is sucking the last of my energy right out of me. That's why I haven't posted in so long. The only dream I have ever had in my life is no longer happening. (I've always wanted to go away to college; I got in to the college I wanted to go to; we apparently don't have enough money). I am a fat piece of shit who has eaten A LOT allllll weekend. Plus, not even one thing I've eaten has been healthy. (at least the people at my work aren't on to me anymore).

I weighed myself earlier today wearing clothes/after eating and I was 111.4. Eww. Anything over 109 feels like the end of the world to me.

Tomorrow, I will eat healthy and get down to AT LEAST less than 109. I'm sure my fat ass can do that.
I keep raising my standards and that's not a good thing.

Sorry about not writing back to people's comments. I can hardly bring myself to write this post, let alone comment people back. I'm going to though, soon enough. I have been reading everyone's blogs everyday. I haven't forgotten about you! I just srsly am having some major depression-like things going on right now.

I'm still not skinny for prom..........it's in 2 weeks. Fml.