Ate too muchhh.

This weekend has been whack (haha, haven't used that one in a while). Friday, I just sat at home bc my friend had more important things (aka her bf) to do. Saturday, I hung out with my boyfriend for a bit and then work. I didn't even have any free samples!!! :D
Today, I hung out with my friend and ate like a pig. So much for my 24 hour fast I was on. I can't even go fucking 24 hours! That should be easy!

Today was fun I guess though. We looked at old yearbooks and laughed at our 8th grade selves.
Now I have a toooonn of homework to do and I am procrastinating big time. I'm reading blogs and stuff.

I wanted to talk to my parents about college this weekend but I've kind of ran out of time..... :/
I will plan my attack for this coming weekend :)

Nothing is new besides that. I'm 108 again which is better than 111 but SO much worse than 104. I'm going to the gym tomorrow. That's all there is to it.

Goodbyeee.

My brain fell out of my ear.

Under 110 again today! Phew!

I've had a much better day today. I'm not even talking about eating wise. I just mean, I felt happier today. It's weird. I must have crazy mood swings every day or something. One day in super down and the next I'm super up.

There's one thing I have noticed about myself is really starting to trip me out though...
Sometimes I will notice that I feel like I'm not even in my own body! It's almost like I am someone watching a movie of myself and I never know what I'm going to do next! Wtf! Am I a freak or is this semi-normal? It's like, I'm kind of just there and my brain is sitting on the table next to me, watching for what's next.

Now that I sound like a schizo, I'm outta here.

P.S. I don't do drugs so it's not because of that lol.

Today is one of those days...

This weekend was amazing. LOVED the college :D

This morning was horrible. I had to hold back tears when I stepped on the scale. Then, I proceeded to step on the scale 3 more times to make sure it was working right...it was.

I haven't been over 110 in ages! Shit!

No food tomorrow. Actually, no food until I am at least 109 again.

Oh and I feel like everyone/everything is working against me lately. And everything is awful.

I'm actually glad no one really reads this so no one will have to witness what a whiny bitch I'm being tonight.

I'm feeling sick too so there's an honest excuse not to eat. Even if I was planning on eating, I feel too sick anyways.

Hmph. Life...

Only good for one thing.

I am sick and tired of people taking advantage of me. Every single project I have done this year, I have been the only one to do all the work!! Today, I was finishing up a poster me & my 3 other group members had to make about a heart disease while they sat there and laughed and played games on the Internet. I heard them saying "I wonder if our project is done.." and another girl said "We have Karissa in our group. Of course it'll be done." Then they all kind of laughed and idk why. I can act like I'm not listening very well when really I hear every word. Then the teacher told them that they need to help me and they just talked about helping for like 5 seconds and went back to doing whatever the fuck it is they do. Ugh.

Eating wise, I was doing alright until a chocolate binge @ lunch which I hare myself for. It added to soooo many calories that I'm afraid to count them. I weigh 107 today. Not bad but not the less than 105 short term goal I'm looking for.
Oh well.

One good thing is I'm visiting the college I want to go to next year if somehow 20g's fall from the sky and into my hand. I gt accepted and everything but now it's just a money issue. I'm excited to visit it nonetheless.

Hopefully I will get off my lazy ass and hit the gym tonight....hopefully!

Today sucked...

Ugh!! Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat!

I have eaten waaaay too much today. I feel so sick. And I weigh 107 :(
I miss being less than 105. It felt amazing.

I have nothing else really to say otherwise. Nothing interesting has happened today besides me being a fatty.

I'm sorry. This was a worhless post.

Ugh! I honestly feel like I am going to throw up accidentally any second because I've eaten SO MUCH!!
Goodnight.

I honestly never knew...

I had one of my last year's teachers write me a letter of recommendation for a scholarship I'm doing. I knew she liked me, but when I got the letter she gave me it was so nice that it made me want to cry. I didn't know that she cared that much about me. I dont think even the people who SHOULD care that much about me could write something so nice. It made me happy/sad all in one to read it. Plus, she's really pushing me to try to get loans and stuff for the college I got accepted into but don't have enough money for. She wants me to go somewhere in my life. She wants me to do what I want to do. And so do I, I just don't know how to do them. It all is too stressful but I would LOVE to leave this town to go 6 hours away and to the beach! I miss surfing :/ I have a board here in my room that's not seen the waves for months.

Shit. I must find some way to make this work this weekend. I'm running out of time...

Only ate frosted mini wheats and a fake chicken patty today so far. I want to eat "less" right now, even if it isn't the healthiest in the world.

Back to school in like 30 minutes, so I better go get ready.

"You wanna be on top?"

So, I just learned that for the next season of ANTM they are only taking girls 5'7" and UNDER! Hot damn!! I might just try out for the experience of trying out at least. Of course I'd love to be actually on it but I highly doubt that would happen. But I can dream!

Today I ate much better than I have been. Only some frosted mini wheats, goldfish crackers, & a fake chicken patty (I'm vegetarian).
So not exactly "healthy", but at least I didn't eat that much.

I will actually weigh myself tomorrow morning if I can do so without drawing attention...

:)

Weekend's here!

Night.

"Hercules! Hercules!"

Ugh! I feel like one of those fat, ancient Greece ladies in the paintings right now lol :(
Those paintings always grossed me the fuck out haha.

I just took a shower. Work was good like having fun wise :p
Eating wise, I screwed up big time. HUGE slice of pizza+2637748 free samples+candy.

I don't think I can bear to weigh myself tomorrow so I might just skip it again. I don't have work the rest of this week so I'm safe there.

Test this weekend for like math placement in college. Maybe I should do bad so they make me take an easy math ;)

Going to bed now. Finally.

I feel so gross.

Soooo, I ended up eating A LOT of cookies at lunch :/ I was doing so good too! Oh, I guess no more eating tonight although it is going to be SUPER hard at work with free samples of ice cream staring at me all night... shit! One of my favorites:

Brave New World

"I'd rather be myself. Myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly."

I want to be myself as well. I want to be myself, even if that means being strange and different to everyone else.

I kind of feel like Bernard right now actually. I don't want to be like everyone else if that is the only way to be "happy". It's simply not worth it to me.

I had a fruit smoothie & a couple frosted mini wheats so far today. Never got to check my weight this morning. I'll try to tomorrow.

Work tonight, with every temptation imaginable...

D:
maybe that's why I hate it so much.

I want to be a bird.

I want to be a bird.
As long as I can remember, I have had the nickname/comparison of being a bird. Oh, how I wish I were one! I want to flap my arms and raise high into the air. I want to be light enough to land on a twig and hardly make it bend. I want my legs as skinny as a bird's are.

I am not a bird and will never be one. Recently though, it feels like my brain has been giving its best effort to force me into being one..

I haven't been diagnosed with anorexia and I don't believe I am all the way to that stage yet. But I don't know really. Who's to say.
All I am certain of is that I am eating less and less and becoming more food-obsessed with each passing day.

I am 5'5" and as of today, I weighed 108 pounds.
My lowest weight was 104 (about a month ago) and my heighest weight was 119 (about a year and a half ago).

I don't know how this happened...
I've been feeling like I don't fit in, even with the few people I consider to be my friends. I can't relate to anyone anymore. It feels like this is the only thing I can rely on to make me feel like I've accomplished anything.

I need....
I don't even know WHAT it is I need. I just always am feeling this intense need for.......something.

I don't know.

Figuring this out.

I've never had a blogger before so I'm just doing a test post. More to come for sure though!

Sent from my iPod