My little secret.

I haven't read anyone's blogs in days, so I'm catching up on that as we speak.

Quick update as to why I've been gone:

Friday night, I had to leave work early to go to the hospital ER. My heart felt like it would explode, I was super dizzy, and I felt like I was going to pass out. When I got to the ER, they hooked me up to an IV and the whole bit. I was there all night. They never told me what was wrong with me though. They couldn't figure it out....

I'm wondering if it had anything to do with my little secret..? But I OBVIOUSLY couldn't ask that question. So I'll ask you guys instead. Do you have heart issues similar to that? I know in the late stages of anorexia there are definitely heart problems but I am SO not at that point yet. Is it happening anyways?

My heart still hurts even as I'm writing this and I am getting dizzy. It's not from not eating. I just ate 20 min ago.

Help!

Stuck @ 109...

I've eaten 2 times in the last three days and I do not weigh even .1 of a pound less than I did three days ago!!

Wtf is up with that????
Srsly. My weight record looks like this:
4/20-109.0
4/21-109.0
4/22-109.0

The only time I've eaten was dinner on 4/20 and dinner on 4/21. That's it!!

Someone must have fucked up my scale or something. Is it even physically possible to weigh EXACTLY the same 3 days in a row??

I'm going crazy.

Oh and I had to have swimsuit pictures taken of me for this fashion show I might be in (if I'm not too short/too fat). One look at my thighs and I wanted to cry......I didn't realize how bad they were :'(

I.Feel.Like.Shit.

Fuck 4/20.

Why is it that some bugs only come around during part of the year (June bugs, mosquito eaters, etc.)? Where exactly do they go the rest of the year? I'm assuming they all die but then how do they come back?

Yes, these are the things that I think about at 3 am god dammit!!

I ate brownies today.
End of story.

P.S. Fuck you 4/20 and all you represent. Whatever asshole invented this day needs to die. I do not enjoy worrying about 99% of the people I know all on one day. I know a lot of you girls are into that shit so you prob don't agree....I really don't care. I'm sorry. I'm mean @ 3 am! I hope you guys are safe today though. That's all.

If this post was confusing to read, sorry.
It's 3 am.
I'm hungry.
I'm bloated.
I haven't eaten anything but brownies.
I'm pissed off that I have people to worry about.
I don't like life right now.
I can't remember what I like to do.
It's really hot.
Fucking mosquito eaters are buzzing around my room.
I don't like bugs.
This is making no sense.
I don't care anymore....

Bye.

"You must have anorexia nervosa?!"

Today in my psychology class we had a fake psych ward. We were all assigned different disorders & I was assigned the most boring one: gambling addiction. So basically, I ditched that idea and did whatever I want. I was throwing stuff at people and so they "sedated" me and took me to the quiet room. I was just acting like my normal self at this point because I was getting tired of the game. I am rolled in a chair into the "quiet room" and the "psychologist" (my teacher) looks at me and says, "You must have anorexia nervosa?!"

....

I don't feel "underweight"...

According to this online BMI calculator, I could weigh fucking 145 pounds and still be considered NORMAL. Ew, ew, ew!!

Does the BMI standards differ in other countries? Like what I'm saying is, America is fat. If I weighed 145 pounds I would be fat but considered "normal". In other countries is the standard for "normal" lower?
I'm just curious. I'm only 5'4" so that seems like a LOT of weight for my height. Maybe my brain is just screwed up into thinking that though. I really can't tell anymore.

Right now my BMI is technically "underweight" but I don't look like it and I certainlly don't feel like it.

Skinny for prom!!!!!

Skinny For Prom??!?

As of five minutes ago, I am 111.1 with nothing but undies on. Today is officially my last day of break/nasty eating. Srsly. Prom is in a little over a month and I WILL be 105 or less by then. That won't be too hard. It's only 6.1 pounds. It can and will be done!!! I'm code-naming this SFP (skinny for prom obv.). I'll write SFP on my hand so I remember not to eat. Tomorrow, I am depositing all of the $ in my wallet to the bank except for the dollar that I wrote SFP on as a reminder.

The hard part about this will be lunches with my friend and dates with my bf. I have to make excuses though. I can prob even tell my friend I'm trying to look good for prom and she'll understand.

I want to be 105 at the most. As in, if I weigh myself at the end of the day I will be 105. That might be an unrealistic goal for before prom but that is what I'm shooting for. I guess I'm setting my goals high but w/e. I know I can get to 105 at least, even if it's only in the mornings and that will be good enough for me.

Maybe by posting this I will be embarrassed if I don't make it so I'll try harder...hopefully.

Oh and my computer has a virus and doesn't work (I'm on my iPod). I'm officially fucked.

Someone fell in love with me today...

Srsly.

I was at work, minding my own business and this lady asks me if I have a boyfriend. I was like "Uhhhh yeah." like who are you? Haha. And she got really sad and was like "I have a VERY cute 22 yr old waiting in the car right now. He was in here earlier and saw you and forced us to come back. He was going to come in here to talk to you but as soon as we got here he got too nervous so he made me come in here to pretend to buy a soda so I could find out if you had a bf or not!!!" I was in shock and just kinda stared at her. I'm still in shock lol. She was so serious about it that I was just like dumbfounded. I mean, they drove ALL THE WAY HOME, waited a few hours, called to see what time we closed so they wouldn't miss me, and drove all the way back so he could talk to me. It was soooo sweet! I actually felt really bad/flattered/embarrassed/cyxgvkvwj!! It was crazy. She was like "can I just tell him you're married with twins so he isn't as sad?" She made it
sound like his heart would seriously split in two when she broke the news to him!

So okay, it's kinda lame that he didn't even come in but the person who I picture him to be would prob do the same thing........Seth Cohen AKA Adam Brody from The OC :p
I have had the hugest TV show character crush on him for years haha. It must've been him ;) who else could it have been!

My night's been SO weird! That's only part of it but I really don't think I can write any more. I'm exhausted from the excitement :p
Night.

P.S. I fucked up eating today really bad but right now I don't even care because I just feel all weird now :)
Of course until tomorrow when I step on the scale but for now IDC!!

:D

Cereal is evil!

So, I have "senior pictures" to take today. I'm supposed to be leaving @ 4:45 to go to some guy's house where he will take my picture but the weather is shit so all this getting ready is probably going to waste (I can't even go out because family is over for Easter...).

Okay, Easter is the lamest holiday ever. I honestly don't even know what we are celebrating. I know it's some god thing (god knows what lmao) but I don't even believe in that stuff. I've never even read the bible lol. What do bunnies have to do with god though? I just don't get it..

Anyways, I was trying not to eat today so I could look skinnier for my senior pictures. I decided to let myself eat ONE FrootLoop...that turned into like a bazillion and then a bazillion frosted mini wheats too! And a fake chicken patty. And once again I feel disgusting. I'm sure this picture experience (if it even happens) will be just grand, ugh.

P.S. My size 0 pants have been falling off all day and I STILL feel like a fatass...what's wrong with me??? I hate feeling this way!

110+ ughhh

I'm not sure how much I weigh but I am POSITIVE it is over 110 and it is killing me...
I took some laxitives @ like 3 and they still haven't done anything! Last time I took them, they didn't work either!! I'm like so blocked up laxitives don't even work (gross,I know). Any ideas why this is happening/how to fix it??
The plan for tomorrow is to not eat at all. My parents will be gone most of the day so it can't be too hard.

Anyways, an update on the work situation:
Another girl from my work kept talking about food/eating in front of me the last time I worked. I can't tell if I'm just paranoid now or if it was just casual conversation.
Second, that guy at my work STILL knows there is something up. I don't think the girl told him. I just think he knows me too well and is starting to catch on. Everytime I see him I have him asking me what is wrong with me like 456744682 times. I think it is nice that he cares rather than annoying. I just don't want him to get on the right track mostly because I don't want him to worry...he has enough to worry about.

I'm pretty sure he will figure it out sooner or later. I remember him telling me a long time ago that he had problems with anorexia a few years ago. Also recently he keeps telling me how much weight he has been losing (he's SUPER skinny already).

Confuuuuusing!

This is seriously confusing to me...

I have had food issues" on and off for years now. No one has ever diagnosed me with "anorexia", but I'm glad. I feel like I would have even MORE food issues if I was officially diagnosed. So I've been having problems for a few years but I am certainly new to the online community and new to sharing any of my feelings about this topic that is usually kept so quiet. I've noticed something really interesting and confusing in this community though. It seems a lot of people are caught up with who is a "real anorexic" or a "wannarexic" or whatever they call it. Aren't these things both problems? Whether someone is full on anorexic or someone is starving themselves for a while to lose weight, aren't they both an issue? I don't see why people are pointing fingers at "wannarexics" when it seems to me that they have a problem as well! Maybe I am not understanding the definition of a "wannarexic"...I'm really not sure. All I know is, if someone is starving
themselves to lose weight it is still a problem and they shouldn't be having angry fingers pointed at them...I also don't understand what gratification these "real anorexics" are getting from it. Who really cares is all I need to know lol.

I am 109.0 today. I'm planning on sleeping most of tomorrow so I can sleep through a few meals. I get my hair cut tomorrow, FINALLY.

I feel like I've been a good friend today. I helped everyone at my work with their issues. They didn't ask about mine of course, but it's okay. I'm a helper, not the person who gets help. Well actually, I'm the person who doesn't share their feelings and everyone gets annoyed with. That guy did actually ask me what was wrong with me again today...I don't know how he can tell! I actually asked how he knew something is wrong with me. I didn't tell him of course, but it makes me feel good that at least someone cares. So I lied; one person at my work asked how I was. I just didn't tell.

I never tell. I have SUCH a problem sharing my feelings. Even if it's about something small. I just can't do it. I force people to tell me their problems but I never never never share any of mine.

It. Gets. OLD.
For me and everyone around me.

Secret's Out!!!!!!

Two things:
1. I don't think my body can honestly handle fasts. The last time I ate was this morning and already I feel like total shit. Maybe I'm just weak. I dunno. I'm planning to AT LEAST keep this going for 24 hours though. I can do that.
2. Oh. My. God. I'm fucked. I'm paranoid. Today was the first day that someone has ever asked me if I am anorexic (besides times when people have said that when I was younger because I was simply so skinny)....I TOTALLY must have gave it away!!!! I just stared at her and sort of gave her a weird look but didn't even deny it!!! Wtf is wrong with me??? I am SUCH an idiot. Fuck! I mean, I'm not even sure that I am, but I have "food issues" at the least which is still a problem. Shit. Shit. Shit! Hopefully that's not the new talk of the workplace.
:/

Knowing the people at my work, they would decide it was their duty to give me some sort of intervention.

After she asked me and I said nothing, she said that was bad and I shouldn't do that. She ended up hardly talking to me the rest of the night.....

I'M SCREWED.

Did I mention that before she asked me that, this guy that I work with asked me what's been wrong with me lately? Are they teaming up on me? Am I paranoid? Am I seriously screwed now??