I called a ED helpline today......

They didn't answer twice. Then when they finally answered, I didn't even know what to say so I hung up without saying anything at all. Not even hello.

:(
I've been trying to get up the courage to call and I finally did and I didn't even say anything.

Fuck.

What are you supposed to say? I haven't eaten for two days? I just don't know....

The shaky feeling we call "success"

Today is a new day and I am feeling newly determined. Who's with me?! :)

I am already feeling that shaky feeling that tells us we are doing something right...and it is only 7am.

School awaits! I'll post and comment everyone later :)

"XS is for girls who don't eat..."

I went to the Halloween store today. I have worked there for the last two years so I know everyone there. They were all excited to see me and it made me happy to see that people missed me.
Andthenandthenandthen the anxiety kicked in. I started acting weird and awkward. They must have noticed it because I was so happy when I first got there and then I did a total flip :/ I can't help it!

But that isn't the point.

The point is, a girl who worked there (I know her, don't worry) picked me this short ass pirate wench outfit for me to try on because she was bored. I told her no no no no. I don't want my fucking thunder thighs to show (I didn't say that). I finally agreed just so she would stop asking. She came in to help me and she was like "here let me zip it for you"

It wouldn't zip.

She's like "okay it looks really cute but this extra small is for girls who don't eat!"

I wanted to die.

I really almost cried.

I fail even when I don't eat. I'm not skinny enough.

I mean she meant it as a compliment but really.....I know you guys are the only people who could possibly understand. Fuuuccckk.

Not sleeping makes you fat.

So in my Psych class we are learning about sleep and what can happen in cases of sleep deprivation. My teacher said not getting enough sleep causes weight gain, so obviously I am planning on sleeping a lotttt now. I found myself using this as an excuse for my fatass :/ so I'll sleep AND fast.
It's fucking hard to sleep though when you are starving yourself! I'm trying it anyways.

Thought you guys might be interested :)
Off to bed I go! (it's 6:11 pm here)

I want a belly band!!

I feel bad.
This guy came into my work tonight and I rang him up. He was not exactly my type but he was cute. So anyways, he asked me "Would you be willing to go on a date with me?" I wasn't really listening so I laughed and said "Wait, what?" Then he got all shy-ish and said "I was just asking....." At this point i finally realized what he had said and started to feel really bad. It seemed like I just laughed in his face. But then I said "Im sorry! I have a boyfriend." Which I do! I've had the same one for 2+ years! I don't think he believed me because he looked even sadder and left.

Ughhh. I always laugh when I shouldn't laugh. It was a total accident too :/ and he wasn't even asking in a creepy way (if he was I wouldn't have cared if I laughed). He asked very kindly and respectfully. Fuuuck. I don't know why I feel so bad. Probably because of the whole respectful thing he did. Blah.

Going out of town tomorrow for a concerrrrt!! :D this is a big time band that I have LOVED for years. My all time fvorite band. Not naming the name though because it would give me away so easily. I can't wait though. Omg.

Whenever I buy/eat food in public, I feel so freaking embarrassed. Especially if I'm binging and I buy EVERYTHING in the store. I almost feel compelled to say "This is for my sister" or something so they don't think Im a fucking fatass. Or like places that I go to a lot. I get SO embarrassed if I see a worker that I've seen before. Ugh. I hate food.

I wonder if they would put that belly band thing to make you eat less on people who weigh less than 110 pounds. I would totally get it, no matter the cost or the dangers. In fact, I'll take liposuction while they're at it! Suck the fat out of my body.

In other news, I am giving a speeh about necrophilia in a few weeks! Yay!

I can never make up my mind.

School is kicking my ass. This is my first semester in college and I already want it to be over. What, have I been in school like 4 weeks now? Only...
Whenever I am going to school, I am sooo stressed out. I pick at my face and I look disgusting. Does anyone else have that problem? Ugh. I can't stop doing it either. I don't know why.

My boyfriend found some of my thinspo. He asked why I had all those pictures. I just told him that I liked either the picture, outfit, hair, makeup, etc in the pics. He didn't ask any more questions so I'm not sure if he believed me or not but whatever. I'm probably just more paranoid than I should be.

It's weird though. I go through these phases where I WANT someone to find out. Maybe it's my subconscious reaching out for help? Maybe I want to live dangerously? Maybe I just want people to feel bad for me? I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like I just don't give a fuck anymore and I should just tell everybody.

I don't get it.

AND THEN I will go into the mode where I don't give a shit about trying to get skinny anymore. I'll eat everrrrythinggg and hardly even feel guilty.

Then later in the same day I see my fatass in the mirror and hate myself.

I do hate myself.
I wish I were someone else quite often. Why do I have to be me? Why do I have all this shit in my life? Why do I always feel the need to have a pity party with myself? Just another reason why I hate me I guess. It comes full circle.

It feels so good to be able to say exactly what I feel and not be worried about people judging me or telling someone else. It honestly makes me feel better. Even if no one were to read it, I feel like I am getting it off my chest. Releasing it. And then for a bit I feel better.

I wonder if I should tell my psychologist about my eating (or lack there of) habits. I don't want the fucker to tell my mom though. I am 18 but I don't really trust those "rules".

Ughh I just want to tell SOMEONE. Fuck.