Am I back?

I'm living in a foreign country as an au pair at the moment. I don't think I've ever been fatter than I am right now and I fucking hate hate hate it. I don't even look cute at all. The clothes I have don't even fit. I can't even look cute for all the foreign boys I'm meeting . It's just full on disgusting really. Some days I've started to not eat again. Others, I eat chocolate bars all day. Today is one of those chocolate bar days.

I want to come back. I want to be the skinny me that I made it to. Before I come home to the US in December, I need to be fucking skinny again and make everyone even more jealous. I need it.

Also, where did everyone else go.....? It's empty here now.

I am jealous.

There, I said it.


I can't remember if I have even written anything about this (because I am disappointed in myself) but there was this guy who I've known for years and stopped hanging out with.

Short version. He started coming over and we became friends again. Bf doesn't know this. This guy used to be one of my best friends but he secretly was in love with me. Bf DOES know this. Hence why bf was not told.

Anyways. To make a long story short, our friendship came back and not only did he like me once again, but now I had feelings for him as well.


And to make a long story even shorter, he now has a girlfriend.


Which I still have my boyfriend of THREE YEARS, but yes I am feeling jealous as much as I hate to admit it.

If I didn't, it would be a total lie.

Also, I weigh as much as I did when I was at my highest weight right now :x

I am on the verge.

I have never cut before but today is going to be the day, I fucking
know it. I hate myself.

My grandpa just asked me if I'm losing weight. WIN!!

Sent from my iPod

Hei pikkulintu. Minä rakastan sinua.




I'm a complete mess.

Ohh.

I wish I didn't hate myself.

I went to the gym last night and IM PROUD. Who knows the last time I went to the gym. I felt like such a fraud. It seems like only regulars are allowed at thegym and I can hardly manage to get my fat ass there once every six months. Needless to say, when I saw someone I know I wanted to drown myself in the pool.

That is all.

Our worst nightmare.

In my college statistics class today, every table was given a tape measure and was told to measure our wrists and our ankles.

I have a mini panic attack, look my table up and down, and decide there is only one girl who might be smaller.

As the tape measure is being passed down the table, I can hear people comparing their numbers in milimeters. Needless to say, I am listening but do not want to be invited into this competition.

Finally, it is my turn. THANK GOD I am right and I am the smallest one at the table. Major disastor avoided.

...or so I thought.


Then we have to go around the class and announce out loud what our measurements were of our wrists and ankles to do some sort of statistics test with them.

Panic again. The numbers are being recorded on the chalkboard (yes a chalkboard, wtf). It was bad enough having to recite my size to my table but to MY WHOLE CLASS???


Our table is chosen last to say our numbers.
I say mine as silently as possible, and am then forced to repeat myself because I was TOO quiet. Way to fucking go.



In short, it was an awful experience and really one of our worst nightmares.



After a quick scan of the chalkboard, I realized that I had the smallest wrists in the class (thank fucking god). I had the second smallest ankles........ugh.



I have failed.

**Edit**

How can I love someone else if I can't love myself?

Why doesn't he listen to me? Why doesn't he know me?
I've been with him for almost three years and I feel like we know each other less every single day. I'm tired. I'm tired of him. He doesn't know me and I am honestly not sure if he ever will.

Don't you know, you will never know fucking know me unless I let you. And for some reason, I can't let you. I don't want to let you. I want to be alone. I don't want anyone.

You aren't the problem. Maybe you are. I don't know. If I actually talk, you BETTER FUCKING LISTEN because talking is not something I do often. I don't give a shit about what color you are painting your Vespa. I don't give a shit about your martial arts. I don't give a shit about your job. I care about you, I do. Sometimes I just wish you would listen to ME though. I'm too tired to listen to you talk about god knows what. I. Am. Tired.

I avoid hanging out with you now. We are different people than we were. We are changing. We want different things. I want Finland. What do you want? I will get what I want. You will sit and let life happen to you. I can't sit here and do nothing for the rest of my life.

I want out of this town. I want out of this body. I want out of this mind. I want out of me. I want out of you. I wish I had no one. It's easier than pretending you are my "someone" and that you care that I starve myself. You honestly don't even notice. You never have. People who I just met can learn more about me than you have in an entire year.

I don't trust anyone. And I certainly don't trust you.


"How can I love someone else if I can't love myself? I'm just sharing the abuse."
-Bracket.

Victoria's Secret Model

I need this right now. I need to starve.
I ate a whole Ben & Jerrys pint today by myself. I must weigh as much as the sun.

Paska.


Anyways, I've been looking for a job. Victoria's Secret said they might hire me, and I GODDAMN HOPE THEY DO. What is a more thinspiring job than Victoria's Secret? Honestly, I can't think of anything really.

When I was in like 7th grade, all I wanted was to be a Victoria's Secret model when I grew up (LOL!!!!!!!!)
Seriously. I can't think of anything I have failed at more than that hahahahahha. What a fucking joke.


#1 - I have NEVER had boobs my entire life, and that is kind of a requirement for such a job.
#2 - I've NEVER been tall enough to be a VS model.
#3 - Oh, and I am a fucking cow.




In other news. Wait. I don't have any other news.


Does anyone know where Shrinking Kitty disappeared to? She is my favorite. Seriously.


-Oiseau

Fall 2011, please hurry.

I really want to get into the habit of writing on here again.

To start us off (again) I have no idea what I weigh. I hate to check.
My diet over the past few days has consisted of mcdonalds french
fries. Lovely, eh?
I'm paranoid to get on the scale right now, so I'm not going to. Maybe
I will if I'm feeling brave in the next few days.

My brother is out of prison and in rehab. I'm the only person in my
family who cares enough to find this information out, mind you.
My sister is growing up.
My dad is acting more like my mom.
And my mom is a crazy bitch.

What's new, really?

In more important news, I'm moving in fall 2011. For school. To
Finland!!!!!!!

Oh I seriously can't wait. How am I going to survive for another year
to make it to Suomi? I don't know if I can do it.

All I know, is I need to get myself into gear in every possible way.
Also, my face picking is out of fucking control....
Help :(

Love you guys! Hopefully I will be on more often now.
-Oiseau

It makes you forget sometimes.

I'm in love with someone I've never met.

I swear to you, I have never (not) met someone as completely perfect
and sweet as him.

I always thought it was so pathetic that people could have "e-
romances" with someone they don't know. I still do tbh.

We text all day, every day. We talk on the phone all night. He lives
on the opposite side of the country from me. His name is J. And it is
a cute name to match his adorable personality I assure you.

God.
Yes I still have a bf, M.

And no, I would never get with J simply because he lives so far away
AND we've never met which is indeed pathetic. He is the sweetest most
genuine boy or even person that I have ever (not rlly) met. We talk on
webcam and it makes my heart melt to see him smiling at me. He makes
me laugh. He makes me happy. I can't think of anything wrong with him
besides the fact that he lives approx 2,700 miles away.

Yes my last post was a text from him btw. He says the most adorable
things. We haven't gone a full day without talking since we "met". I
text him more in a week than I have ever texted my bf in my whole
life. What we have to talk about for that long, I have no idea....

<3

How sweet.

"If I could have one wish right now, it would be for you to be in my
arms and not thousands of miles away."

If I had one wish, it would be for my thunder thighs to be half the
size, but darling, you are second on the list. I assure you.

Sent from my iPod

Friday niiiiight.

All I've done tonight is lay around in bed, on the computer, trying to conserve my energy so I don't feel the need to eat.

I don't think that works. Sort of defeats the purpose. I may not be eating, but I'm not burning anything either.


I have three days before the shoot, AKA three days to lose 113 pounds. It'll be awesome.

People wonder why models don't eat! I'm not even getting paid for this one and I feel the pressure. Fuckin christ.


So, my brother in prison just called. I miss him. I want him to come back but I don't want him to see me like this. I'm a mess. He should be back soon. I don't remember the last time I saw him tbh..I know it was before all these food issues came to me. He hasn't seen me since the food issues. I look like such a minger with ratty falling out hair. Yet I'm still fat so it hasn't been worth it.

Don't you guys hate that? All the work to look worse than you did before but a few pounds lighter (supposedly).



Send me away to prison so I don't have to look at myself. Do they have mirrors there? I don't even fucking know. It confuses me really. Prison. I can't imagine prison.



I feel like a bitch. Me and the bf are still together but I don't think I feel the same anymore. We've been together 2.5+ years now. I've started texting other guys. Like old friends you know. Nothing bad. But I just feel as though I miss having a bunch of guy friends. I never was the one to have girl friends. I never was the one to have friends tbh.

Perfect. I like not having friends sometimes. It makes things so much easier. No one to blow off when I feel too fat to go out. I guess that is how I lost a lot of friends though. It's a viscious cycle. I don't even know how to spell vicious. What a life, I swear.
College honors program student, at your service!



I'm in a bad mood, can you tell?
Lack of stuffing my face today I'm sure.
And forgetting to take my antidep probably didn't help either.


-Oiseau

Nothing like it..

There is nothing like an upcoming photoshoot to GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN GEAR!!

:/
It's this Tuesday......




I am at 113 right now. Fuck.

P.S. I am officially coming back to this blog. I don't care anymore. Plus I like having this one to look back on to remind me of what has been.


More later, after I OD on laxies.

I have a new blog.

http://je-suis-un-petit-oiseau.blogspot.com

I am only going to use that one from now on. I just updated with a new post about the fatass who sat in my lap. Check it out :)
If you want to know why I got a new one, read my previous post.
Love and miss you all!
I hope your thanksgiving wasn't too horrible. I got through okay.

This is my official first post ever I would say.

This is the first post that has ever come from a REAL WORKING COMPUTER.

All of the rest of my posts have always been off of my iPod, which is why I usually despise commenting people on here (though I do love reading all of your blogs).

Working from my iPod is painfully slow but since I am now on a computer, I would like to celebrate by posting my absolute favorite thinspo picture.



Honestly, I think it's because my backbones stick out just like that. I would kill for that shirt. I suppose I could make it but fuck it. I'm lazy. If anyone knows what it is or where I can get one like it, PLEASE TELL.


Anyways, the real main point of today's post is for this reason.
http://je-suis-un-petit-oiseau.blogspot.com/
This is my new blog. I am officially abandoning this one for a few reasons.
Biggest reason, I was stupid and have used my real name (Karissa) on here more than a few times and as we all know, we do not like to be known by the outside world.

My name is now Oiseau (which means bird in French). If you call me Karissa on my new blog, I will jump through the computer screen and kick your asses! Hah.



A few updates on my life as of late:

Three appointments ago, I told my psychologist about my eating issues.
That day, he said that is the last thing he would've guessed because I don't "look anorexic".
Thanks a lot doc. You'd think he would know that is the last thing we want to hear, eh?
Anyways, the point is, I think he forgot about it because he has never mentioned it again. Yet he does remember how much I hate my English teacher, which is far less important. I'm not bringing it up again unless he remembers.


I don't know how much I weigh at this point in time, but I am going to go check after this post.


I am looking for Finnish people on Blogger, preferably ones within our little community who could only understand our screwed up thinking. I am learning Finnish right now and may move to Finland eventually so if anyone knows of any Finnish ana bloggers out there, please let me know. Kiitos :)

I thought of a bunch more things I wanted to say earlier, but now I have forgotten.


Anyways, this is probably going to be my last post on THIS blog, but I will be back bigger (read: smaller) and better than ever on the new one, where my name is officially Oiseau, loves!


I will see you there :)

I called a ED helpline today......

They didn't answer twice. Then when they finally answered, I didn't even know what to say so I hung up without saying anything at all. Not even hello.

:(
I've been trying to get up the courage to call and I finally did and I didn't even say anything.

Fuck.

What are you supposed to say? I haven't eaten for two days? I just don't know....

The shaky feeling we call "success"

Today is a new day and I am feeling newly determined. Who's with me?! :)

I am already feeling that shaky feeling that tells us we are doing something right...and it is only 7am.

School awaits! I'll post and comment everyone later :)

"XS is for girls who don't eat..."

I went to the Halloween store today. I have worked there for the last two years so I know everyone there. They were all excited to see me and it made me happy to see that people missed me.
Andthenandthenandthen the anxiety kicked in. I started acting weird and awkward. They must have noticed it because I was so happy when I first got there and then I did a total flip :/ I can't help it!

But that isn't the point.

The point is, a girl who worked there (I know her, don't worry) picked me this short ass pirate wench outfit for me to try on because she was bored. I told her no no no no. I don't want my fucking thunder thighs to show (I didn't say that). I finally agreed just so she would stop asking. She came in to help me and she was like "here let me zip it for you"

It wouldn't zip.

She's like "okay it looks really cute but this extra small is for girls who don't eat!"

I wanted to die.

I really almost cried.

I fail even when I don't eat. I'm not skinny enough.

I mean she meant it as a compliment but really.....I know you guys are the only people who could possibly understand. Fuuuccckk.