Hei pikkulintu. Minä rakastan sinua.




I'm a complete mess.

Ohh.

I wish I didn't hate myself.

I went to the gym last night and IM PROUD. Who knows the last time I went to the gym. I felt like such a fraud. It seems like only regulars are allowed at thegym and I can hardly manage to get my fat ass there once every six months. Needless to say, when I saw someone I know I wanted to drown myself in the pool.

That is all.

Our worst nightmare.

In my college statistics class today, every table was given a tape measure and was told to measure our wrists and our ankles.

I have a mini panic attack, look my table up and down, and decide there is only one girl who might be smaller.

As the tape measure is being passed down the table, I can hear people comparing their numbers in milimeters. Needless to say, I am listening but do not want to be invited into this competition.

Finally, it is my turn. THANK GOD I am right and I am the smallest one at the table. Major disastor avoided.

...or so I thought.


Then we have to go around the class and announce out loud what our measurements were of our wrists and ankles to do some sort of statistics test with them.

Panic again. The numbers are being recorded on the chalkboard (yes a chalkboard, wtf). It was bad enough having to recite my size to my table but to MY WHOLE CLASS???


Our table is chosen last to say our numbers.
I say mine as silently as possible, and am then forced to repeat myself because I was TOO quiet. Way to fucking go.



In short, it was an awful experience and really one of our worst nightmares.



After a quick scan of the chalkboard, I realized that I had the smallest wrists in the class (thank fucking god). I had the second smallest ankles........ugh.



I have failed.

**Edit**

How can I love someone else if I can't love myself?

Why doesn't he listen to me? Why doesn't he know me?
I've been with him for almost three years and I feel like we know each other less every single day. I'm tired. I'm tired of him. He doesn't know me and I am honestly not sure if he ever will.

Don't you know, you will never know fucking know me unless I let you. And for some reason, I can't let you. I don't want to let you. I want to be alone. I don't want anyone.

You aren't the problem. Maybe you are. I don't know. If I actually talk, you BETTER FUCKING LISTEN because talking is not something I do often. I don't give a shit about what color you are painting your Vespa. I don't give a shit about your martial arts. I don't give a shit about your job. I care about you, I do. Sometimes I just wish you would listen to ME though. I'm too tired to listen to you talk about god knows what. I. Am. Tired.

I avoid hanging out with you now. We are different people than we were. We are changing. We want different things. I want Finland. What do you want? I will get what I want. You will sit and let life happen to you. I can't sit here and do nothing for the rest of my life.

I want out of this town. I want out of this body. I want out of this mind. I want out of me. I want out of you. I wish I had no one. It's easier than pretending you are my "someone" and that you care that I starve myself. You honestly don't even notice. You never have. People who I just met can learn more about me than you have in an entire year.

I don't trust anyone. And I certainly don't trust you.


"How can I love someone else if I can't love myself? I'm just sharing the abuse."
-Bracket.

Victoria's Secret Model

I need this right now. I need to starve.
I ate a whole Ben & Jerrys pint today by myself. I must weigh as much as the sun.

Paska.


Anyways, I've been looking for a job. Victoria's Secret said they might hire me, and I GODDAMN HOPE THEY DO. What is a more thinspiring job than Victoria's Secret? Honestly, I can't think of anything really.

When I was in like 7th grade, all I wanted was to be a Victoria's Secret model when I grew up (LOL!!!!!!!!)
Seriously. I can't think of anything I have failed at more than that hahahahahha. What a fucking joke.


#1 - I have NEVER had boobs my entire life, and that is kind of a requirement for such a job.
#2 - I've NEVER been tall enough to be a VS model.
#3 - Oh, and I am a fucking cow.




In other news. Wait. I don't have any other news.


Does anyone know where Shrinking Kitty disappeared to? She is my favorite. Seriously.


-Oiseau

Fall 2011, please hurry.

I really want to get into the habit of writing on here again.

To start us off (again) I have no idea what I weigh. I hate to check.
My diet over the past few days has consisted of mcdonalds french
fries. Lovely, eh?
I'm paranoid to get on the scale right now, so I'm not going to. Maybe
I will if I'm feeling brave in the next few days.

My brother is out of prison and in rehab. I'm the only person in my
family who cares enough to find this information out, mind you.
My sister is growing up.
My dad is acting more like my mom.
And my mom is a crazy bitch.

What's new, really?

In more important news, I'm moving in fall 2011. For school. To
Finland!!!!!!!

Oh I seriously can't wait. How am I going to survive for another year
to make it to Suomi? I don't know if I can do it.

All I know, is I need to get myself into gear in every possible way.
Also, my face picking is out of fucking control....
Help :(

Love you guys! Hopefully I will be on more often now.
-Oiseau