Don't break my palpitating heart!

I weigh 115.4 today. You heard right.
A hundred and fucking fifteen point four.
The only thing I can do at a time like this is quote White Chicks...
"SOMEBODY THROUGH SHAMU BACK INTO THE OCEAN!!! WOOO!!"

Lmao. Okay that made me a bit happier. But god dammit I seriously feel like a whale. The last time I weighed this much was 2 years ago.

The good news is I have started college (my 3rd day tomorrow) and no one is around me all day. AKA I can get away with not eating! Let's see how my palpitating heart likes that!!

I need serious help. I mean I've looked it up on the Internet but it's all the "healthy" ways and stuff which I don't neccesarily care about obviously. I just need a sure way to make my god awful thighs skinnier!!!!! Do you guys know any tricks? Please fill me in. Obviously I need to just not eat and then ill be fine :p but what are some other things? Please let me know guys.

Bigger than 3? Just kill me.

If I ever have to buy anything bigger than a size 3, I will fucking hang myself with those jeans right then and there!!!

I seriously think I might be getting there. I need to start working harder. My life depends on it.

I remember just a few short months ago when ALL of my size 0s still fit. Not all of them do anymore :/

I will get back to where I was (104lbs) and LOWER this time!!!!!

Restart

I've been gone, a long long time. That isn't to say I haven't still been reading. My iPod prevents me from posting comments on you guys for some reason.

I have been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The only good to come of this is I hear these antidepressants my friend uses makes him less hungry. Which we all know is a good thing.

I've been riding my bike so at least I am getting SOME excersize.

I am ignoring all of my modeling opportunities because I feel too insecure with myself now. One guy I am ignoring is actually pretty big on an unnamed website. I just can't do it right now though.

School is starting and I am still not as skinny as I wanted to be.

I am restarting this ana train starting today. Wish me luck. Miss you guys and I'll comment as soon as this iPod let's me...

:)

How have you guys been???

I have not posted in forrrrever!
First, savory thank you for emailing me a while back. It really made me feel better. I'll probably be emailing you more in the future :p

What is new in my life?

My hair is falling out!
And I don't say that with an excited exclamation point. I say it as WTF!!

If I want to model, I must get skinny. But if I get skinny, I must lose my hair? But if I want to model I need good hair!!

I did that photoshoot. I probably already said that weeks ago? It was fun. I didn't eat all day before it (thank god) and I still felt like such a fatass. I have some of the pictures. If someone actually wanted to see them for w/e reason leave your email address. If I think you are suspicious though I'm not gunna send them haha.

I have two more photoshoots coming up in the near future. One with someone actually pretty good so I MUST be skinny for that one...

I graduated high school and I think I am learning what the "freshman fifteen" or whatever it is called means. I have gained like five fucking pounds. Someone please slit my throat. That is part of the reason why I have been avoiding this place. I feel like such a failure. And I feel disgusted with myself. All I'm saying is I definitely weigh over 110 :'(

I do not know when I will post again. Depends on how much I feel that I am failing I guess. Other life stuff too that is hard to deal with.

I miss you guys!

Question?

I have a question that no one but you guys can answer.

You know how if you tell your therapist you are going to kill yourself they can tell authorities and parents about it?
If you tell them about your food issues can they also like tell your parents and stuff because it is self-destructive?

I did that photoshoot by the way.

Dr. Phil

My mom recorded an eating disorder special on Dr. Phil.....
Woohoo!

:(

No time, sorry!

Day 7

I haven't posted in a few days, but I've been keeping track of my challenge stats.

Day 3 (???.?):
No chance to weigh myself.

-10 over max intake
+5 water

Day Total: -5 ( sorry guys D: )
Week Total: 32

Day 4 (108.8):
Less than where I started (barely lol, embarrassing) but there is NO way I'm making my goal weight in time.

+10 under max intake
+4 water

Day Total: 14
Week Total: 46! :)

Day 5 (???.?):

+10 under max intake
+5 water

Day Total: 15
Week Total: 61

Day 6 (???.?):
My birthday! Do you see where this is going.....?

+10 under max intake
-5 binge
+4 water
+4 exercise

Day Total: 13
Week Total: 74

Day 7 (108.6):

+10 under max intake
-5 binge
+6 water
+2 weigh in on time
-3 not at goal weight

Day Total: 10
Week Total: 84

Final Total: 84
Is that good or bad??

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I told my bf I am being forced by my doctor to eat trail mix all the time. He asked why. I told him the truth and said because I don't eat enough. I almost started crying but I held it in. I can't tell him. I won't let him worry. After I said it, he didn't say anything. Just silence. This was all after he asked if my pants were too tight. I don't know where he gets these lines that just make me feel like shit, but he does it with ease.

It was my 18th birthday yesterday.

I probably won't post again for a while.