Am I back?

I'm living in a foreign country as an au pair at the moment. I don't think I've ever been fatter than I am right now and I fucking hate hate hate it. I don't even look cute at all. The clothes I have don't even fit. I can't even look cute for all the foreign boys I'm meeting . It's just full on disgusting really. Some days I've started to not eat again. Others, I eat chocolate bars all day. Today is one of those chocolate bar days.

I want to come back. I want to be the skinny me that I made it to. Before I come home to the US in December, I need to be fucking skinny again and make everyone even more jealous. I need it.

Also, where did everyone else go.....? It's empty here now.

I am jealous.

There, I said it.


I can't remember if I have even written anything about this (because I am disappointed in myself) but there was this guy who I've known for years and stopped hanging out with.

Short version. He started coming over and we became friends again. Bf doesn't know this. This guy used to be one of my best friends but he secretly was in love with me. Bf DOES know this. Hence why bf was not told.

Anyways. To make a long story short, our friendship came back and not only did he like me once again, but now I had feelings for him as well.


And to make a long story even shorter, he now has a girlfriend.


Which I still have my boyfriend of THREE YEARS, but yes I am feeling jealous as much as I hate to admit it.

If I didn't, it would be a total lie.

Also, I weigh as much as I did when I was at my highest weight right now :x

I am on the verge.

I have never cut before but today is going to be the day, I fucking
know it. I hate myself.

My grandpa just asked me if I'm losing weight. WIN!!

Sent from my iPod

Hei pikkulintu. Minä rakastan sinua.




I'm a complete mess.

Ohh.

I wish I didn't hate myself.

I went to the gym last night and IM PROUD. Who knows the last time I went to the gym. I felt like such a fraud. It seems like only regulars are allowed at thegym and I can hardly manage to get my fat ass there once every six months. Needless to say, when I saw someone I know I wanted to drown myself in the pool.

That is all.